Are You Tough Enough?

Fear is a feeling that sinks into my stomach four thousand feet above sea level, in the California sun blazing across the mighty Pacific ocean to the West and scorching the moisture from every square millimeter of my bare chest. Fear trickles into my knees with every thump-thump of my feet against potholed asphalt, turns my calves into jelly and makes me wish I'd never committed to being out in record high temperatures running down the side of a mountain with no water and only the gorgeous scenery as a reward. I run my index finger down my spine and feel no sweat, the radiation and heat sucking all moisture from my skin and leaving my body dry to the touch.

I didn't expect this.

The thought hits me as I'm halfway down the slope on mile four, my knees screaming in their sockets. I trained poorly. I worked hills into my regimen but only ran up, expecting the succeeding downhill to be easy. The truth is that I completely underestimated the combination of dust, heat and nerves and ran my miles in the cool mornings and evenings, convenience taking preference over reality. I imagined the course and then twisted it to my own biases, turned reality into a picture of my own perceptions and in doing so royally set myself up for punishment once the real task began.

Lesson learned, the hard way.

I finish the downhill and promptly empty a bottle of water, a good two thirds of it going onto my head and torso. I complete the last leg of the race, a rolling four miles filled with small hills and cow pastures, at a blistering pace and collapse onto the grass near the finish line, my body spent, my spirit august.

***

We finish tenth out of seventeen teams with a total time of nine hours and twenty-three minutes, a decent time for a bunch of first timers taking on a sixty-five mile relay race. Fast forward to this morning: I am currently in more muscle pain than I've ever experienced, courtesy of a delayed onset of cramps. The one thing I cannot stop thinking about is how I should have worked harder and anticipated the searing temperatures and steep grades of the Santa Ynez mountains, instead opting for flat runs and less headache.

For the rest of my life I will try to train for reality as it is, not as I wish it to be.